Failing at Motherhood

Some days are a really good example of how I am learning to be a good wife and mother on my own, without an example or help to show me the way. This isn't a criticism of my own mother, who was not (and is not) a Christian woman. I'm held to a different, and higher, standard than other mothers. For me, my success or failure at raising my daughter is as much about my relationship with Yah as it is about my relationship with my little one.

And, not so coincidentally, when one relationship begins to fail me, the other begins to falter as well.

Praise has fallen by the wayside. Dear Husband and I went out of town for a week, leaving our daughter with friends because we were going to be traveling for fourteen hours in the car and we knew that she wouldn't tolerate the trip particularly well. I don't blame her for being young, confused, and angry when she's confined for long periods of time -- I remember traveling with my parents when I was younger and hating the long hours in the car. However, during the trip I faltered in a major way.

First of all, allow me to explain that I have a temper, and a bad temper at that. If it's a choice between fight or flight, I tend to fight. I don't like raised voices and I am perhaps overly sensitive to criticism (of the deconstructive kind). So when a stranger confronted me following an error in judgment on my husband's part, I snapped. I didn't mean to, and I was so ashamed in the days that followed that I didn't wear my veil. For me, this is a very big deal, a sign of shame (because it is a shame for a woman to pray uncovered).

I'm not saying that I didn't pray, but I am saying that I was ashamed before Yah, and I felt awkward talking to Him because I hadn't shown myself to be a very good believer. I'd shown a bad example of what it means to be a believer, and that means a lot to me. It's significant.

When we got back, I had hoped to slide back into the routine that I'd left behind: cleaning the house, cooking the meals, caring for the little one and teaching her. But I found that I didn't want to do anything: I was depressed. Worse yet was the fact that our daughter returned to us with a problem with her attitude, as is wont to happen when a child is spoiled for any length of time more than a day or so. She no longer listened to me, and suddenly any discipline was ineffective.

I keep thinking of Proverbs 13:24.

I don't want to chasten my daughter any more. Our discipline has proven to be ineffective, at best. At worst it is damaging to our relationship with our daughter, because on both sides (parents and child) we are trying so hard to get this right and becoming frustrated with one another. I feel as though whichever direction we turn at the moment, there is failure.

I am not a liberal, permissive parent. I believe that child training is essential to the overall health and well being of the whole person (spiritual, emotional, psychological and physical). I've spent years watching the degeneration of our youth as parents begin to fall away from principled parenting and allow the government to do more and more of the work (or at least dictate what we are and are not allowed to do as parents). I've witnessed the negative consequences of failure to discipline and effectively train our children.

I don't want my daughter to be like that!

On the other side of the coin, of course, I do want my daughter to have a childhood. I want her to be able to enjoy being young. I want her to play and make messes, to make mistakes and to learn from them. That's how young children learn, and it's only fair of me to allow her to learn in that way.

I feel stuck. Parenting isn't going to plan: I have a strong-willed and often defiant two year-old. I know that this is normal, but I also believe that it is possible to help to bend a child's will in the "right" direction (and every parent's version of "right" will be different -- in my case I mean bending her will toward YHWH's plans for her).

I'm still seeking to find a balance. I know that I need to return to the praise of Yah and focus on Him. He will provide the answers. In the meantime, I am praying that my daughter will be happy and pursue Him.

Please Don't Be Offended...

Please don't be offended that I'm not Pentecostal, or that I'm not Baptist. Please forgive me for not subscribing to the Mennonite faith. It is not an affront to you that I prefer not to take part in celebrations with a large amount of speaking in tongues, or that I express my joy in YHWH by dancing or singing for Him. Please dear brother or sister, don't be saddened by the fact that I choose to cover my head: it is a blessing to me, as I believe Yah intended for it to be. Don't let it wound you, likewise, that I don't dress plain, but choose to dress in a modest way which is still pleasing to my husband.

The truth, dear believer, is that my faith has nothing to do with you. I didn't choose this path because of something you said or didn't say. While your prayers are greatly appreciated, they aren't going to cause me to turn my back on what I believe is Truth: I will not stray from the narrow path that I've set out on now.

I am still learning from my sisters -- and I do not seek to teach the men. I am disinclined to tell you what you must do or must believe. I trust that YHWH leads all of us as He has led me. I am happy to talk about what I believe with anyone who has an open mind, and of course I plan to be blogging about it a good deal more as time goes on.

It has been a beautiful, wonderful day today. Darling Dinky was on her best behavior for most of the day, and Dear Husband did his fair share of going out of his way to be kind (including cooking a yummy supper for us!). I am so truly blessed to have the two of them in my life, and they are an enormous motivation to be right before YHWH: I want to set that example for my daughter and to set ourselves apart too.

Praises be to our Elohim!

Shalom!

Dealing with Frustration God's Way

Throughout the past several months, I have been facing incredible frustration, and I haven't dealt with those emotions in a Christian manner -- not in the least! I try to take my faith a step further and strive to follow right in the footsteps of my Master Yeshua. While I know that He experienced anger and fear in a very human way, my concern here is not whether or not I experience emotions (I'm going to, especially as a very emotional person) but in how I deal with those emotions.

I am a notoriously impatient person. I know in my heart that YHWH puts me in a position to gain patience, thereby teaching me patience instead of granting it to me undeserving. It is my responsibility to hold tightly to Him and not let go even in the darkest of times.

One of my worst habits is to make things much, much worse than they really are. I elevate things in my own mind and blow them out of proportion. When I need something done, I need it done right now. I have a constant sense of inexplicable urgency. It would be easy enough for me to dismissively say that I am a product of the times in which I live (and certainly it is common for modern people to have a sense of entitlement and urgency!) but the truth is that these emotions and attitudes are things which I can tame.

My frustration seeps into every aspect of my life: I become frustrated when my Dear Husband doesn't do the things that I ask him to (quickly); I become frustrated when child training isn't going my way and when Darling Dinky isn't responding to my discipline; I become frustrated when I can't find time in a day to write in my blog(s) or to edit my lenses on Squidoo. To put it simply (if a bit unkindly), I have a very short fuse.

I've struggled with this my entire life. In all of the time that I can recall there has never been a moment when I haven't been quick to anger. It affected me as a daughter, sister and friend long before it affected me as a wife and a mother. What saddens me is that it took me nearly thirty years to realize how quick my temper is, and then to discover that I had to do something about it.

The wonderful thing is that with Messiah, all things are possible (Philippians 4:13). If I lean on Him and accept His blessings, I can make it through any and all of the storms in my life. I can count on Him to weather this with me and to see me through the end.

Experience has told me that with YHWH, it is always darkest right before the dawn -- because it has to get really dark for me to realize how much I need Him. Well, this is that time: I am choosing to reach out to Yah and beg Him to rescue me from the mess that I have made. He wants me to lean on Him instead of pushing Him away, and what is frustration if not a pushing away of our Father?

I want to get this right, and I know that He wants me to get it right by leaning on Him. God's way is not one of misery and sacrifice, but one of love and blessings. I know that He is looking forward to rewarding me for coming through this on the other side (though perhaps not unscathed).

So how do I get through the frustrating moments His way? I praise His name every opportunity I get!

Today I praise Yah for giving me the talent necessary to make money from my writing; I praise Yah for giving me a wonderful and wise Husband who loves me in spite of my quick temper; I praise Yah for a beautiful and healthy daughter who is trying hard to learn what we expect; I praise Yah for giving me the opportunity to please Him; I praise Him for calling me home to Him in the first place; I praise Him just for being.

In every day, and in every moment, we must be praising our Creator, our beautiful Elohim, our sweet Messiah. I am grateful. I will do well to remember that.

The Power of Praise

Until recently, I never really quite understood the power of praising God. Praise was something that happened within the church setting, led by a minister who "knew what he was doing." It was a group activity. In fact, when I prayed alone, I felt as though I fumbled in my efforts to praise YHWH appropriately. While I could think of dozens upon dozens of reasons to lift my voice in praise for Him, I felt as though my words were mediocre, at best.

To put it bluntly, I thought I was boring God.

In case it isn't yet obvious to anybody reading this, I am just a little bit insecure.

I'm not perfect. Yah knows that, and I know that. But my own imperfection is not an excuse for me to stop trying to meet His high standards for me.

My imperfection is not an excuse for me to cease praising His name!

There is a reason that I keep my head covered all the time in accordance with 1 Corinthians 11:2-16: Because I believe in ceaseless prayer.

To my mind, praying without ceasing does not pertain to our continual supplication to YHWH, but rather to our continued praise for Him. In every moment there is an opportunity for praise. I may choose to praise Him for putting my husband into my life, or for giving me a beautiful daughter who means the world to me. I may praise him for giving us the financial means necessary to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. I may praise him for the bounty of the earth or the success of my writings. Daily there are dozens (or more!) reasons for me to praise Yah!

But I haven't been (praising Him).

Two days ago I picked up The Prayer that Changes Everything. This wasn't an incident where I was stepping out and attempting to correct my past mistakes and repent before God: No, I am certain that He led me to the bookshelf and put the book in front of me so that I would pick it up and necessarily read it (since I read, cover to cover, almost everything I put my hands on). I had barely begun with Stormie Omartian's words struck me deeply as she spoke about God calling her to worship him -- and nothing else. She was to put aside the daily supplications and focus on worship, and she obeyed.

Now I am a woman of little supplication. It isn't because I "don't want to bother Yah with my problems" but the fact is that He has already greatly blessed my family. There is very little that we need that we don't already have (though surely plenty that we want).

Reading Mrs. O'Martian's words were like a light bulb going off in my mind. I was astonished by the understanding of what praise really means to Yah. Instead of affording myself the luxury of disappointment (in myself) I picked myself up and in that instant began to praise His name. I have now dedicated myself to thirty days of praise (though I am not ruling out necessary supplication in the meantime).

I know that YHWH is working in me because I know, deeply, that when I praise Him for the things I have in my life, the things I don't have become less significant. When I praise Him for giving me such a wonderful and loving husband, I see Darling Husband's faults less. When I thank Him for the blessing that is Dear Dinky, I find myself becoming naturally more patient with her.

All things begin, and end, with the praise of God. Here's to the next thirty days!

Going Through the Motions

Next month will mark two years since I became a Christian. Looking back, it is amazing to me how much things have changed, and ebbed and flowed, in my Christian walk since the day that I promised my life to YHWH. In fact, it is with dread that I recall the past several months of constant struggle between what I know to be true and the places where my flesh leads me.

I have learned in the past few weeks that there is no way for one to force a relationship with God. It is something that must be built over time through regular communion with Him. You cannot "fake" a relationship with Him. Lip service is only lip service: He knows your heart, its contents, and its desires. He knows when you confess belief in Messiah but continue to walk in the flesh. You cannot hide from YHWH.

For a period of time, I fell desperately away from Yah. I acted on my own carnal nature and followed in the flesh rather than in the spirit. I sought to please myself and I made some very bad choices. I was chastened and began to attempt to turn my eyes back to Him.

As I went through the motions of switching my daily attire back to skirts and blouses instead of jeans and T-shirts; of wearing a covering on my head; of reading books that honored Him I felt as though there was an enormous divide between me and my God. Prayer became incredibly strained and I struggled not only to remember, but to desire to praise Him. I couldn't figure out what was happening.

Not until recently, anyway.

In the past few days I've been put through the ringer. Because of my decision to dedicate myself to the motions of following Yeshua, I've been struggling to adapt to a new schedule. Without a good, solid example of Godly homemaking, I've been working to put the pieces together with the help of Scripture (but without fellowship with other women). I slip on a daily basis and snap at my husband (who is currently unemployed) or my daughter (2 years old). I am physically and emotionally exhausted, but most of all I am spiritually bereft.

I've been going through the motions: Serving meals, cleaning the house, playing with my daughter, working on projects, taking care of myself for hubby, reading my Bible, reading Christian literature and rising early. I cover my head, and I make time for prayer early in the morning and last thing before bed.

But I'm distracted. I'm not processing what I'm reading in my Bible and I'm allowing exhaustion to overtake my prayer time, sometimes to the point where I fall asleep in my chair. I am not enjoying fellowship with YHWH and am therefore not being fully restored from the duties of the day. In just a week, I've become a "drudge" and my work has become pure "drudgery."

I am not serving anybody with this attitude: not Dear Husband, not Darling Dinky, not Yeshua. I know now that He is not fully pleased with the work that I have done, because I have not done with with a spirit of service for Him. While I do believe that the motions themselves matter to Him (particularly when He is the primary motivation behind them), I am aware that it is my spirit and my attitude which is so much more important to Him.

I've been giving Him only half, and not the whole. I have learned nothing and am no further advanced than I was several months ago when I repented of my wrongdoing. Worse, I have blamed God for those faults of my own.

It's about the content of the heart: and my heart has been so bitter for so long that it may take time for me to reverse the damage that I have already done to myself and to my relationship with Yah. But ours is a God of forgiveness, and I know that He is prepared to welcome me back, if I can only begin to give him what He asks of me.

If I only went through the motions with my Dear Husband and didn't feel real love for him, our relationship wouldn't work. The same is true for a working relationship with God. The daily motions matter -- truly, they do -- but what is most importance is the honor and reverence that is being shown for Yah.

There is so much that I have failed to understand. My praise be to Him for leading me back to the right path!