Some days are a really good example of how I am learning to be a good wife and mother on my own, without an example or help to show me the way. This isn't a criticism of my own mother, who was not (and is not) a Christian woman. I'm held to a different, and higher, standard than other mothers. For me, my success or failure at raising my daughter is as much about my relationship with Yah as it is about my relationship with my little one.
And, not so coincidentally, when one relationship begins to fail me, the other begins to falter as well.
Praise has fallen by the wayside. Dear Husband and I went out of town for a week, leaving our daughter with friends because we were going to be traveling for fourteen hours in the car and we knew that she wouldn't tolerate the trip particularly well. I don't blame her for being young, confused, and angry when she's confined for long periods of time -- I remember traveling with my parents when I was younger and hating the long hours in the car. However, during the trip I faltered in a major way.
First of all, allow me to explain that I have a temper, and a bad temper at that. If it's a choice between fight or flight, I tend to fight. I don't like raised voices and I am perhaps overly sensitive to criticism (of the deconstructive kind). So when a stranger confronted me following an error in judgment on my husband's part, I snapped. I didn't mean to, and I was so ashamed in the days that followed that I didn't wear my veil. For me, this is a very big deal, a sign of shame (because it is a shame for a woman to pray uncovered).
I'm not saying that I didn't pray, but I am saying that I was ashamed before Yah, and I felt awkward talking to Him because I hadn't shown myself to be a very good believer. I'd shown a bad example of what it means to be a believer, and that means a lot to me. It's significant.
When we got back, I had hoped to slide back into the routine that I'd left behind: cleaning the house, cooking the meals, caring for the little one and teaching her. But I found that I didn't want to do anything: I was depressed. Worse yet was the fact that our daughter returned to us with a problem with her attitude, as is wont to happen when a child is spoiled for any length of time more than a day or so. She no longer listened to me, and suddenly any discipline was ineffective.
I keep thinking of Proverbs 13:24.
I don't want to chasten my daughter any more. Our discipline has proven to be ineffective, at best. At worst it is damaging to our relationship with our daughter, because on both sides (parents and child) we are trying so hard to get this right and becoming frustrated with one another. I feel as though whichever direction we turn at the moment, there is failure.
I am not a liberal, permissive parent. I believe that child training is essential to the overall health and well being of the whole person (spiritual, emotional, psychological and physical). I've spent years watching the degeneration of our youth as parents begin to fall away from principled parenting and allow the government to do more and more of the work (or at least dictate what we are and are not allowed to do as parents). I've witnessed the negative consequences of failure to discipline and effectively train our children.
I don't want my daughter to be like that!
On the other side of the coin, of course, I do want my daughter to have a childhood. I want her to be able to enjoy being young. I want her to play and make messes, to make mistakes and to learn from them. That's how young children learn, and it's only fair of me to allow her to learn in that way.
I feel stuck. Parenting isn't going to plan: I have a strong-willed and often defiant two year-old. I know that this is normal, but I also believe that it is possible to help to bend a child's will in the "right" direction (and every parent's version of "right" will be different -- in my case I mean bending her will toward YHWH's plans for her).
I'm still seeking to find a balance. I know that I need to return to the praise of Yah and focus on Him. He will provide the answers. In the meantime, I am praying that my daughter will be happy and pursue Him.
And, not so coincidentally, when one relationship begins to fail me, the other begins to falter as well.
Praise has fallen by the wayside. Dear Husband and I went out of town for a week, leaving our daughter with friends because we were going to be traveling for fourteen hours in the car and we knew that she wouldn't tolerate the trip particularly well. I don't blame her for being young, confused, and angry when she's confined for long periods of time -- I remember traveling with my parents when I was younger and hating the long hours in the car. However, during the trip I faltered in a major way.
First of all, allow me to explain that I have a temper, and a bad temper at that. If it's a choice between fight or flight, I tend to fight. I don't like raised voices and I am perhaps overly sensitive to criticism (of the deconstructive kind). So when a stranger confronted me following an error in judgment on my husband's part, I snapped. I didn't mean to, and I was so ashamed in the days that followed that I didn't wear my veil. For me, this is a very big deal, a sign of shame (because it is a shame for a woman to pray uncovered).
I'm not saying that I didn't pray, but I am saying that I was ashamed before Yah, and I felt awkward talking to Him because I hadn't shown myself to be a very good believer. I'd shown a bad example of what it means to be a believer, and that means a lot to me. It's significant.
When we got back, I had hoped to slide back into the routine that I'd left behind: cleaning the house, cooking the meals, caring for the little one and teaching her. But I found that I didn't want to do anything: I was depressed. Worse yet was the fact that our daughter returned to us with a problem with her attitude, as is wont to happen when a child is spoiled for any length of time more than a day or so. She no longer listened to me, and suddenly any discipline was ineffective.
I keep thinking of Proverbs 13:24.
I don't want to chasten my daughter any more. Our discipline has proven to be ineffective, at best. At worst it is damaging to our relationship with our daughter, because on both sides (parents and child) we are trying so hard to get this right and becoming frustrated with one another. I feel as though whichever direction we turn at the moment, there is failure.
I am not a liberal, permissive parent. I believe that child training is essential to the overall health and well being of the whole person (spiritual, emotional, psychological and physical). I've spent years watching the degeneration of our youth as parents begin to fall away from principled parenting and allow the government to do more and more of the work (or at least dictate what we are and are not allowed to do as parents). I've witnessed the negative consequences of failure to discipline and effectively train our children.
I don't want my daughter to be like that!
On the other side of the coin, of course, I do want my daughter to have a childhood. I want her to be able to enjoy being young. I want her to play and make messes, to make mistakes and to learn from them. That's how young children learn, and it's only fair of me to allow her to learn in that way.
I feel stuck. Parenting isn't going to plan: I have a strong-willed and often defiant two year-old. I know that this is normal, but I also believe that it is possible to help to bend a child's will in the "right" direction (and every parent's version of "right" will be different -- in my case I mean bending her will toward YHWH's plans for her).
I'm still seeking to find a balance. I know that I need to return to the praise of Yah and focus on Him. He will provide the answers. In the meantime, I am praying that my daughter will be happy and pursue Him.
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