Next month will mark two years since I became a Christian. Looking back, it is amazing to me how much things have changed, and ebbed and flowed, in my Christian walk since the day that I promised my life to YHWH. In fact, it is with dread that I recall the past several months of constant struggle between what I know to be true and the places where my flesh leads me.
I have learned in the past few weeks that there is no way for one to force a relationship with God. It is something that must be built over time through regular communion with Him. You cannot "fake" a relationship with Him. Lip service is only lip service: He knows your heart, its contents, and its desires. He knows when you confess belief in Messiah but continue to walk in the flesh. You cannot hide from YHWH.
For a period of time, I fell desperately away from Yah. I acted on my own carnal nature and followed in the flesh rather than in the spirit. I sought to please myself and I made some very bad choices. I was chastened and began to attempt to turn my eyes back to Him.
As I went through the motions of switching my daily attire back to skirts and blouses instead of jeans and T-shirts; of wearing a covering on my head; of reading books that honored Him I felt as though there was an enormous divide between me and my God. Prayer became incredibly strained and I struggled not only to remember, but to desire to praise Him. I couldn't figure out what was happening.
Not until recently, anyway.
In the past few days I've been put through the ringer. Because of my decision to dedicate myself to the motions of following Yeshua, I've been struggling to adapt to a new schedule. Without a good, solid example of Godly homemaking, I've been working to put the pieces together with the help of Scripture (but without fellowship with other women). I slip on a daily basis and snap at my husband (who is currently unemployed) or my daughter (2 years old). I am physically and emotionally exhausted, but most of all I am spiritually bereft.
I've been going through the motions: Serving meals, cleaning the house, playing with my daughter, working on projects, taking care of myself for hubby, reading my Bible, reading Christian literature and rising early. I cover my head, and I make time for prayer early in the morning and last thing before bed.
But I'm distracted. I'm not processing what I'm reading in my Bible and I'm allowing exhaustion to overtake my prayer time, sometimes to the point where I fall asleep in my chair. I am not enjoying fellowship with YHWH and am therefore not being fully restored from the duties of the day. In just a week, I've become a "drudge" and my work has become pure "drudgery."
I am not serving anybody with this attitude: not Dear Husband, not Darling Dinky, not Yeshua. I know now that He is not fully pleased with the work that I have done, because I have not done with with a spirit of service for Him. While I do believe that the motions themselves matter to Him (particularly when He is the primary motivation behind them), I am aware that it is my spirit and my attitude which is so much more important to Him.
I've been giving Him only half, and not the whole. I have learned nothing and am no further advanced than I was several months ago when I repented of my wrongdoing. Worse, I have blamed God for those faults of my own.
It's about the content of the heart: and my heart has been so bitter for so long that it may take time for me to reverse the damage that I have already done to myself and to my relationship with Yah. But ours is a God of forgiveness, and I know that He is prepared to welcome me back, if I can only begin to give him what He asks of me.
If I only went through the motions with my Dear Husband and didn't feel real love for him, our relationship wouldn't work. The same is true for a working relationship with God. The daily motions matter -- truly, they do -- but what is most importance is the honor and reverence that is being shown for Yah.
There is so much that I have failed to understand. My praise be to Him for leading me back to the right path!
I have learned in the past few weeks that there is no way for one to force a relationship with God. It is something that must be built over time through regular communion with Him. You cannot "fake" a relationship with Him. Lip service is only lip service: He knows your heart, its contents, and its desires. He knows when you confess belief in Messiah but continue to walk in the flesh. You cannot hide from YHWH.
For a period of time, I fell desperately away from Yah. I acted on my own carnal nature and followed in the flesh rather than in the spirit. I sought to please myself and I made some very bad choices. I was chastened and began to attempt to turn my eyes back to Him.
As I went through the motions of switching my daily attire back to skirts and blouses instead of jeans and T-shirts; of wearing a covering on my head; of reading books that honored Him I felt as though there was an enormous divide between me and my God. Prayer became incredibly strained and I struggled not only to remember, but to desire to praise Him. I couldn't figure out what was happening.
Not until recently, anyway.
In the past few days I've been put through the ringer. Because of my decision to dedicate myself to the motions of following Yeshua, I've been struggling to adapt to a new schedule. Without a good, solid example of Godly homemaking, I've been working to put the pieces together with the help of Scripture (but without fellowship with other women). I slip on a daily basis and snap at my husband (who is currently unemployed) or my daughter (2 years old). I am physically and emotionally exhausted, but most of all I am spiritually bereft.
I've been going through the motions: Serving meals, cleaning the house, playing with my daughter, working on projects, taking care of myself for hubby, reading my Bible, reading Christian literature and rising early. I cover my head, and I make time for prayer early in the morning and last thing before bed.
But I'm distracted. I'm not processing what I'm reading in my Bible and I'm allowing exhaustion to overtake my prayer time, sometimes to the point where I fall asleep in my chair. I am not enjoying fellowship with YHWH and am therefore not being fully restored from the duties of the day. In just a week, I've become a "drudge" and my work has become pure "drudgery."
I am not serving anybody with this attitude: not Dear Husband, not Darling Dinky, not Yeshua. I know now that He is not fully pleased with the work that I have done, because I have not done with with a spirit of service for Him. While I do believe that the motions themselves matter to Him (particularly when He is the primary motivation behind them), I am aware that it is my spirit and my attitude which is so much more important to Him.
I've been giving Him only half, and not the whole. I have learned nothing and am no further advanced than I was several months ago when I repented of my wrongdoing. Worse, I have blamed God for those faults of my own.
It's about the content of the heart: and my heart has been so bitter for so long that it may take time for me to reverse the damage that I have already done to myself and to my relationship with Yah. But ours is a God of forgiveness, and I know that He is prepared to welcome me back, if I can only begin to give him what He asks of me.
If I only went through the motions with my Dear Husband and didn't feel real love for him, our relationship wouldn't work. The same is true for a working relationship with God. The daily motions matter -- truly, they do -- but what is most importance is the honor and reverence that is being shown for Yah.
There is so much that I have failed to understand. My praise be to Him for leading me back to the right path!
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